Hi, I’m Becky, an artist and writer based in Derbyshire. I write about my life in what I hope is an honest and open way. I write about mental health, autism, sobriety and simply trying to find my way in this world. Please subscribe to support my work and to read more of my posts.
Hi,
How are you?
I have been reading a book called Gender Euphoria. Edited by Laura Kate Dale, it is a book filled with stories of joy from trans, non-binary and intersex writers.
It is a book that I have not been able to put down and it has really got me thinking once again about the fears and worries we have inside, of these phantom people who might have a problem with us.
In February 2023, I told my inner circles that I am a non-binary woman. And no one gave two shits.
And yet, I have never written about it because I have this fear that some imaginary person may have some issue, may confront me with ways in which I am wrong to feel like this, may harass or judge me harshly.
Today I am going to write about it.
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Gender Euphoria
I have spent all of my life feeling like I do not remotely fit. 2023 has seen me begin to discover and accept that I am autistic but there was alway something more.
At the start of 2023, I started a Facebook group called The Weird Grrrls Club. I had been to a lot of small business workshops and writing workshops and they all told me that I would need some form of group or course in order to actually succeed. Being just a creative wonder would simply not cut it.
This was devastating to hear from the writing course because I wanted to write, not worry about what courses or groups I could run!
But I worried and racked my brain for an idea, all the while not writing a damned word.
Amongst this worry, I came up with the idea for The Weird Grrrls Club. I was weird, I loved punk and riot grrrl music so making a space for my fellows weirdos to come and feel free to be themselves felt a good match.
I wrote out the group description and put something along the lines of:
A safe place for weird and wonderful women to come and be their authentic selves.
And this weird sensation hit me:
I don’t really fit in my own group.
This feeling wouldn’t pass and deep down I knew why. I began researching, trying to figure this out, all the while really knowing what the issue was.
I didn’t feel like I fit in my own group because I was non-binary.
Through my research, I found the term ‘non-binary woman’.
What does this mean?
This means that I do have some connection to the term “woman” but I do not feel it fits me completely.
I was raised and lived as a woman for 34 years. I have felt the joys of womanhood and the pain. I am surrounded by beautiful, amazing women who I feel I do belong with but I have often felt I was on the outside looking in.
When I found the term ‘non-binary woman’ it felt like it made sense to me. As soon as I found the term, I was driven by a deep desire to tell people, to let people into my truth.
I was terrified but I couldn’t hide it anymore.
Within 24 hours I had told my Mum, my partner, my closest and oldest friends and my in-laws. I found acceptance from them all.
For the first time, I felt free. I felt like I was dancing in the light, the sun beating down on my face.
I felt like myself.
I bought non-binary patches, a D20 in the non-binary colours because I am still a nerd very cool, and a pin to go on my denim jacket and leather jacket, respectively.
I started looking at suits, something I’d always wanted but never let myself buy. (I still haven’t! Suits are fucking expensive and I remain a scruffy punk kid, happiest in jeans and a t-shirt. Plus, I have never found the perfect one.)
I felt euphoria.
But I stayed pretty quiet about it.
Trans Day of Visibility came and went. International Non-Binary Day came and went. Pride Month came and went.
And I stayed quiet.
Now, I am an introverted soul and I’m not really one for parties or large groups of people. I am very much with Hannah Gadsby in their search for the quiet gays.
I have been to Pride, my favourite being when I went to Leicester Pride with my then roller derby team. I did the coolest make up I have ever done in my life and it only took me one try and, because I was with people of an array of sexualities and genders, I felt joyous and free. That is the pure wonder of roller derby. 🖤
I have also been to Manchester Pride which was a bit of a bust. I listened to the people we went with, who were from Manchester, when they said we shouldn’t bother watching the parade, and instead just go to the Gay Village. Now, even being an autistic introvert with a dislike of crowds, I wanted to watch the parade. That felt like the whole point but I didn’t say anything because I wanted to just go along with what others thought was best.
And they knew what they were talking about, right?
Wrong! It was dull as all fuck in the Village because, guess what? Everyone was watching the parade!
Also, I was viewed as an ally.
I’d not told anyone I was non-binary. I didn’t even know I was at this point but, even then, I knew I fit somewhere in the LGBTQIA rainbow.
But, I was in what appeared to be a heterosexual relationship. My partner, love of my life, best friend, the person who I want to be the co-parent of all my cats is a cis-gender man.
I would love him if he were a woman, non-binary, trans, agender, genderfluid etc. etc. I do not care about his gender.
He is beautiful but I love him for how kind he is, how funny his, how supportive he is, how authentic he is, how weird he is, how he doesn’t give two shits what anyone think and how he didn’t bat an eye when I told him I was non-binary, not because he is a man.
I will stop now before we all vomit but yes, I had been to Pride before but, this year, when I could finally have flown that rainbow flag high, I stayed quiet.
Now, of course, we don’t all have to be loud and proud. We can be quiet and proud. You don’t have to tell a single soul a damn thing about you if you don’t want!
But, I had a strong desire to tell people and I was very lucky because no one cared.
I shouldn’t have been surprised. My Mum, partner and friends are wonderful, accepting, supportive people. And my Mum never raised me in away that had any solid definitions that I was a girl and this is how I should act, dress or be.
I had Barbies but I also had toy cars, footballs and basketballs. I would play with my Barbie house one minute and be bounding around outside kicking a football or climbing trees. She took me to Anfield to watch Liverpool play. She and my Grandparents never told me that I shouldn’t be doing certain things or that I should wear more dresses. They accepted their Becky for who they were.
But after the first moments of joy, I went back into my shell a little.
I guess this is because it’s 2023 and people are still vilifying LGBTQIA people, in particular trans people.
Big celebrities like J.K Rowling are raising the torches of hate because men might pretend to be trans in order to harass or assault women in toilets.
If that were to happen, do you know who would be to blame?
This might come as a surprise to fucking no one but the answer is MEN. Men would be the ones to blame, not trans women or cis-gender women.
The same way it’s not a woman’s fault if she was assaulted because she was wearing a short skirt or has had an alcoholic drink, it is not women’s fault if a man pretends to be trans in order to harass or hurt someone.
Other women are not to blame and when people attack trans women for things like this that is exactly what they are doing - blaming other women for men hurting them.
Along with this real fear, there is still this constant need I have inside to be liked, to be loved, to be seen as good and worthy. I fear being rejected which I know comes down to my father walking away when I was little. He did not love me and now I want to be liked and loved as possible, even if it means staying quiet and small.
Except I can’t stay quiet and small forever because I have a defiant streak running right through me.
It’s why I never stopped dying my hair bright colours or showing off my tattoos or sticking stars to my face even when people were hollering “Ugly, tattooed freak!” at me across a crowded pub.
Some people will dislike you no matter what. Whether you are a blue-haired tattooed freak or you are bending and breaking to try to be who you think they want. They will treat you like you are not a human being because of something as small as they do not find you attractive.
No matter how small and invisible you try and make yourself, some monsters can still see you and will still hurt you.
But they aren’t really monsters. They are usually cowards.
My favourite tutor from university, Sally, once said something amazing to me that I will never, ever forget.
I was showing here my final major project, in which I was looking back at all the different subcultures and showing that there had never been such thing as a ‘typical girl’. I got talking about my inspiration and how I’d been badly bullied at school and she said this:
“They are scared of us. They can see that we are free and they don’t like it. They think ‘I have to conform so why shouldn’t they?’ ”
They are scared.
Scared to be seen as different, scared to be themselves. What a sad way to live your life.
In some ways it’s how I’ve been living my life - compartmentalising myself, being the version of Becky I think I “should” be in some situations.
Not writing about the things I want to write.
Not celebrating being non-binary.
Not being proud.
All because of fear of what some dickhead people might say.
Bollocks to that.
So, hi I’m Becky, a non-binary, autistic writer and artist. My pronouns are they/she. What are yours?
Thank you so much for reading!
As always, if you enjoy this weeks letter or anything resonates, please let me know in the comments, with a ‘like’ or by replying to this email. And please share or restack! It is greatly appreciated. 🙏
I hope you have the most gorgeous week.
Take care and take pride in who you are!
Lots of love,
Becky
🖤✨🌈
I think this is one of my favourite pieces of yours I've read so far, Becky.
I can feel your truth and effervescence glowing out through your words.
Though I've not directly experienced what you've written about, you have vividly brought your gender euphoria and others parts of you to life and I see you.
"For the first time, I felt free. I felt like I was dancing in the light, the sun beating down on my face."
I hope everyone can experience this in life.
Janelle (she/her) <3
After reading this, I fully believe that the most important question to ask a potential partner is, "Will you be a good co-parent to all of my/our cats?"
Along those lines, do check out the Kitten Lady if you haven't already. Her inkwork is downright stunning.
Many blessings to you as your Journey of Authenticity comtinues to unfold.