Hi, Iām Becky, an artist and writer based in Derbyshire. I write about my life in what I hope is an honest and open way. I write about mental health and how I am trying to find my way in this world. Please subscribe to support my work and to read more of my posts.
Hi,
Howās things?
Does anyone else have this thing where you feel like you have to have a reason to share something? Whether on Substack, your social media, your own blog etc, there has to be some tangible proof as to why the sharing of this piece of writing right here, right now is perfectly reasonable.
Like, only sharing about mental health during Mental Health Awareness month? I donāt do that (obviously!) but I do understand why people do this. I would imagine it makes it less scary, more allowed.
I find myself doing this with some of my writing, not sharing it because āit wonāt make sense to share it nowā.
Why wouldnāt it make sense?
Why does it have to make sense?
Isnāt this my Substack and I should be able to share what I want?
wrote a brilliant post last week which really got me thinking. (Yes, the fan club is still in full swing.)I realised through reading Janeās article that I donāt share some things because I am scared. I am scared of what other people will think, I am scared of what people will say. I am a little scared of being seen.
So, I make up these pretend rules. I tell myself there has to be a āreasonā to share certain things. Something has to have happened recently in my life or the world as a whole to make sharing it make sense. It has to be a special month and the Moon must be full.
Because we want too!
Is āBecause I want too!ā1 not a good enough reason?
Because this is my bloody Substack and I have never made a single claim to only write about one topic or genre here. I donāt have a niche and I refuse to have one no matter how many āsuccessfulā2 Substackers tell me I should.
I am a chaos demon and this is my space of chaos.3
As you can probably tell, Iām quite a defiant chaos demon so it must be fear stopping me.
Sometimes I feel fear and post it anyway - Memories, The Rejection Letter, Becky Isā¦ and my sober diaries are all things that made me feel a little scared to post.
But I posted them anyhow!
So whatās stopping me with other things?
You are wrong!
I think I live with a lot of fear that I am somehow wrong and that there will be someone who will come along and call me out on it.
But I canāt be wrong about my own life, can I?
I am so ready to be wrong that even if I know I am right, I will second guess myself.
Maybe I remembered it wrong?
That memory that is engrained on my heart, body and soul.
A prime example of this is in my letter last week where I wrote:
Maybe I wasnāt arrogant or stuck up or mean. Maybe I wasnāt antisocial.1 Maybe I wasnāt broken or mental or weird.2
Maybe I was autisticā¦
- Quote from āBecky Isā¦ā
What I wrote to begin with was this:
Iām not arrogant or stuck up or mean. Iām not antisocial. Iām not broken or mental.
I am autistic.
But then fear grabbed me and whispered āBut what if you arenāt? Wonāt you look a prat!ā
I get very wrapped up in the āWhat ifsā. This mixed with worrying about what other people think makes for a small, scared life.
I told you all that I am pretty certain I am autistic and one of the things I most desperately want to do is unmask.
I just want to be Becky all the time, not just with those select people I feel 100% comfortable with. I donāt want to compartmentalise my life or my personality based on who Iām with or where I am. If for no other reason than itās absolutely exhausting.
To do this I need to stop living in the land of āWhat ifsā. I need to stop worrying what some people might think. I need to stop worrying about being wrong.
I want to take off my masks and get comfortable, you know?
Because I wore them all through my childhood, I stayed small and tried my best to be invisible and a large chunk of peers thought I was a freak anyhow. And they were cruel and made me dread school and wish I didnāt exist.
The people who are going to judge and be cruel are always going to judge and be cruel no matter how small you make yourself or how many masks you wear.
So, it is time.
To share what you want and feel comfortable sharing, whether it took you 3 weeks and a spreadsheet and 20-point plan or it was you pouring your heart out over a stolen 30 minutes in your work day.
It is time to be your weird and wonderful self.
To be imperfectly you.
And me.
The time truly is now.
Thank you so much for reading!
As always, please let me know in the comments if you enjoy this or if anything resonates. And please share or restack it. Letās get the chaos out there!
I hope you have the most beautiful week.
Take care of yourself.
Love,
Becky
š¤āØš
If you heard āWhy you gotta play that song so loud?ā as you read this sectionās heading, I hope you are enjoying your thirties.
In quotation marks because everyoneās definition of successful is different. I, personally, would not feel successful if I felt I had to write about the same thing each week.
Quote from āconsistency is a scamā by Tahlee Rouillion.
āBut I canāt be wrong about my own life, can I?ā
Exactly my doubts everytime I sit down to write anything.
This post is highly relatable. To be fair, I post mostly what I want, when I want but my "what if" and second guessing comes after I hit the publish button. It's pretty exhausting. I try to remind myself "there I've done it so I can't take it back" or if people unsubscribe then they are just not the right fit for me and I'm happy I'm less burdened by someone else's expectations of who/what I should be.
In a way, it's sad but also a relief that so many of us go through similar thoughts and worries putting ourselves out onto the world.