Is This Unmasking?
Celebrating the small wins as I allow myself to be more me, to ask for help and to make mistakes.
Hi, I’m Becky, an artist and writer based in Derbyshire. I write about my life in what I hope is an honest and open way. I write about an array of topics, such as sobriety and autism, and about simply trying to find my way in this world. Please subscribe to support my work and to read more of my posts.
In the space of two days at work, I had two moments that got me thinking:
“Huh. I’d have been really anxious/embarrassed/beat myself up about that once upon a time.”
The first was when I was sent a Word document to look through. I don’t have Word. I work on Google Docs and Pages. Not having Word led to this document becoming garbled in places. I sent my supervisor a message and she sent me a PDF version.
Now, this might sound really small and insignificant but, once upon a time, I wouldn’t have felt like I was allowed to need help in this way.
I would have tried to decipher the garbled text instead of admitting that I didn’t have Word. My brain would have been telling me it was utterly ludicrous that I don’t have Word on my laptop. That I would look unprofessional and foolish. I would have felt anxious about needing help, that voice that chatters “Don’t be a burden” being all the too strong.
I found myself going “Huh, interesting” as I realised that those voices, although still there, felt very faint and ultimately didn’t stop me from asking for help with the document.
The very next day, I thought it was my boss’s birthday and I said, in our morning meeting, “Is it today that I need to send you birthday wishes?” (Not verbatim but I said something along these lines.) I was certain that it was his birthday but I wanted to be all coy, just in case I was wrong.
Turns out I was wrong.
It was the next day.
He was very gracious and kind and I just laughed about how I’d probably forget to say it tomorrow.
I just laughed about it…
I can’t tell you how unlike me this is. Once upon a time, this would have been grounds for the world swallowing me up and me never, ever communicating with another human ever again. It would have felt mortifying, like I’d done the worse thing ever in the history of the world. A world in which Hitler and Trump have existed and continue to exist upon.
I grant you, I work with nice people and my boss is someone whom I have felt bizarrely comfortable with since I met him. I have told him this numerous times and he was one of the first people I told I was autistic simply because I wanted to thank him for the kindness he’d shown me when really wasn’t doing well in 2021. Something which I now see was so wrapped up in my being autistic.
But still, it all feels like I’ve taken some good steps forward. They might be small steps but they are still steps.
And I will celebrate them.
🖤 What are some small wins you can celebrate today?
Thank you so much for reading.
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Until next time, take care of yourself. And celebrate your small wins!
Love,
Becky
🖤✨🌈