Hi, I’m Becky, an artist and writer based in Derbyshire. I write about my life in what I hope is an honest and open way. I write about an array of topics, such as sobriety and autism, and about simply trying to find my way in this world. Please subscribe to support my work and to read more of my posts.
I had my first kiss at 17 with a boy in the year above me at school. He was as quiet and awkward as me so it didn’t really go anywhere. And, to be honest, that was okay with me.
I had my first boyfriend at 19. He was a couple of years older than me. It lasted three months and I mainly felt annoyed for the entirety of those three months. Not because he wasn’t a nice person. He was alright. It was more to do with me not really being ready for something like this. I was annoyed that my weekends were filled with either me going to see him or him coming to see me. I wanted to spend my time on my own, with my Mum or with friends. I was annoyed that when I discovered that we were both going to Glastonbury the year we met, he messaged me to tell me he was in the queue and to come wait with him. I was already in the festival, tent set up, with friends. I was flabbergasted (and annoyed) that being in a relationship meant I would have to stand in the queue for a second time. I didn’t. I pretended I didn’t get the text, all the while wishing I didn’t know this boy/man. It didn’t end in a good manner and I didn’t act like a grown up, mainly because I wasn’t one.
I wasn’t ready for any of these experiences and I didn’t really want to be with either person but I felt, because I was so “old”, I couldn’t say no. My friend’s had been going out with people since they were 14! Nobody had ever shown me any interest before and the ultimate goal of all women/AFAB people seemed to be finding someone (a boy) who loved them or, at the very least, would tolerate them. I felt like I was lagging behind everyone and I didn’t feel like it mattered that I wasn’t really interested in these boys and that I truly wasn’t ready.
I watched as people seemed to have such a better handle on life, able to go to jobs, even if they hated them, able to be social and make friends at each new place they found themselves, to date and fall in love.
I felt alone on an island made for all the useless people who couldn’t seemed to do any of it. I was all alone on the island.
I worked jobs and people were unkind. I was consistently told I was bad at my job but was never fired because I was actually doing the work of multiple people. I was the only person willing to start work at 6.30am. I was the only person who could work the office computer. But, I was the new, extremely young employee. I couldn’t, wouldn’t do the hard sell with customers. This apparently made me useless for retail. The delivery out, all the shelves filled and paperwork sorted and filled away meant nothing.
I couldn’t handle the jobs or the constant barrage of being told I was bad at my job whilst working and trying so hard for fucking minimum wage. I ended up on anti-depressant and anxiety meds to try and get through work.
And I would drink copious amounts of alcohol to get through a fun Friday night where I met another barrage of delightful (/s) humans (men) who also made me feel I was useless and unlovable. But, they’d still talk to me, still want me but only just for now. Never in front of their friends or outside of this small part of their world I was allowed to reside in.
I know you aren’t supposed to say this but everything started to fall into place when I met my partner. I finally had someone, alongside my Mum, who was on my side. A person who seemed happy and excited to be around me and allow me into their entire world. A person I could be myself with. Without meeting him, I wouldn’t be who I am now.
The mad thing is that we met when I was a few days shy of my 24th birthday, on my first night out after an unsuccessful (obvs) suicide attempt a couple of months before. I was adamant that this was just about having fun with friends and there he fucking was.
Was it fate?
I don’t know but it’s been 14 years and I find myself flabbergasted that, before meeting him, Young Becky was certain I would die alone, having never met anyone who wanted to hold my hand as we walked down a street or invite me into their world or tell me they loved me. I was twenty-fucking-three but, this felt like such an important part of life and I felt so far behind everyone else.
Now sober and with the knowing that I am autistic, I would like to say that everything is easier and I’ve found my way in this world.
Finding more autistic people has been great and I do feel a sense of belongings but the social side of it can still be terrifying and hard. I still don’t know the rules and I have all those same worries about being burdensome and fearing rejection. These don’t go away just because the other person might be experiencing all the same things. Plus, just because two people are both autistic, it does not mean we will get on.
I try and give myself grace. I have only known I am autistic for less than a year. I am still putting all the pieces together and realising that I was never broken, useless or lagging behind.
It is a hard slog, particularly when you have a cavalcade of memories of people who did make you feel broken, useless, behind, less than. Because I didn’t sell as many jumpers to tourists. Because I was weird and they were doing me a favour. Because they could.
I have to make new memories. New ones with more good people. New ones where I do what I want to do, not what I should do. New ones where I disappoint other people but never myself. New ones where I am completely and utterly myself. New ones where I never abandon myself.
New ones where I say “There you fucking are! I’m so glad you're here. You’re right on time” and the person I’m talking to is me.
Did I let my whole life pass me by
Or am I right on fucking time?
- Sorry I’m Late, Rory
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Until next time, take care of yourself.
Love,
Becky
🖤✨🌈
A lovely idea, to be right on time. Hard to live with the idea of being a late bloomer, as so much time lost! I'll try thinking this, see how it fits/feels <3