Who Am I?

I am still trying to figure it out.

Hi, I’m Becky, an artist and writer based in Derbyshire. I write about my life in what I hope is an honest and open way. I write about an array of topics and about simply trying to find my way in this world. Please subscribe to support my work and to read more of my posts.

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I have this black and white, all or nothing type of mind, particularly when it comes to myself.

I have to be one thing or another but, I can’t ever be both.

I have to be a punk kid with the punk look and the punk sound.

I am a rock kid, who grew up listening to Bon Jovi, Warrant and Meatloaf.

I am feminine with 1950s style dresses.

I am dark and gothic with long, black affairs that would make Mortica Adams happy.

I am androgynous and I balk at societies expectations of beauty.

I am a Raynor Winn obsessive who wants to forgo make up, put on my walking boots and see how small I am in comparison to the natural world.

I am only ever one of these at a time.

I listened as people from my past talked with pride of only listening to one type of music, wearing one type of uniform.

I learnt, once more, to wonder what is wrong with me, that there are so many different versions of me.

I couldn’t comprehend that this stomping, leather jacket wearing person was the same person filled with glee upon finding a jumper covered in toadstools.

The two don’t work together, right? They aren’t allowed to work together, right?

I compartmentalised myself, allowing parts out only at certain times. Questioning my decisions, wondering if all of this meant I didn’t have a true grasp on who I was, who I am.

I made them into masks, never allowing or owning that they were all a part of me. Never for a second thinking these were all just parts of me that helped make the whole and that it was okay.

Some of the many versions of me.

Some may call it growing up, growing older and changing in all the ways we do but, this isn’t a recent feeling. This has been a constant feeling, sometimes an obsessive feeling.

A need to be a certain version at a certain time, certain place, certain event.

I must be the right Becky today.

A need to be ‘appropriate’ at a wedding, which often just meant, to me, covering my tattoos.

A worry of never wanting to be seen by certain people in certain things. Looking or dressing different never being because I am a multifaceted human being but more seen as a surrender, an admittance that the person they knew was all pretend. An act I put on to impress and pander.

A knowledge of never wanting some people in the same room at the same time because they know different versions of Becky.

Sometimes I wish I was just one type of person, not toing and froing between all these versions.

I am this and only this.

But, other times I think “Oh, how boring!”

Who am I really doing this for? Who am I really worried about? This ghost from my past who tried (and succeeded) in trying to make me feel bad because I liked The Distillers and Bon Jovi. Heaven forfend, right?

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Maybe there is no ‘right’ Becky.

Maybe there’s just Becky, in all the many ways, colours and clothes.

They are all parts of me, that make up a whole and that is okay.

It is all okay.

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✨Can you relate? Do you ever struggle with feelings like this? Where do you think they come from?

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As always, if you enjoyed this letter or anything resonated, please let me know by replying to this email or, if you are on Substack, by giving it a like or leaving a comment. If you really enjoyed it, please share it or restack it so someone else might find it. Thank you. 🖤

Until nest time, take care of yourself and have a lovely week.

Lots of love,
Becky
🖤✨🌈

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