Anxious. Surprised. Happy. Scared.
It’s been a funny old week…
Hi, I’m Becky, an artist and writer based in Derbyshire. I write about my life in what I hope is an honest and open way. I write about an array of topics, such as sobriety and neurodivergence, and about simply trying to find my way in this world. Please subscribe to support my work and to read more of my posts.
On Tuesday 6th May, I received an email telling me I had reached the top of the autism assessment waitlist.
Receiving the email made my heart start pounding. Tears pricked my eyes. All my focus was gone and I felt very shaky.
This news was a year earlier than expected (if anything, I thought I’d be waiting longer than the estimated 3 years) but I still wasn’t expecting the reaction I had. I thought I’d be really happy. I’ve waited 2 years for this!
The next day, Wednesday 7th May, I received another email with my assessment date - Wednesday 18th June, 1pm.
Again, I had all the same feelings.
I’m actually relieved that I still have over a month to wait and I never thought I’d say that.
I’ve spent so long getting ready for this.
I’ve created a folder of all the reasons I think I am autistic and with all the online tests I’ve done, from official sites like Embrace Autism. I’ve so enjoyed putting it all together that I’ve even added pictures to the inside of it of all the autistic people1 I find inspiring, something that might make some of them (all of them) cringe so much they’d turn themselves inside out.
I’ve read books. I’ve watched Youtube videos. I’ve enjoyed it all because it’s been like getting to know myself for the first time ever.
But, I’m scared.
It’s all so real now.
And what if my assessor doesn’t believe me?
From my assessors name, I believe he is a man. What if he doesn’t have an understanding of autism in women and AFAB people?
What if they don’t believe me?
My partner is driving me. What if his car doesn’t start when we need to set off?
What if they don’t believe me?
What if, somehow, I’m wrong? Maybe I am just useless, lazy, broken, bad, defective, evil and I’m just clutching at autism because it makes me feel better?
What if they don’t believe me?
A 10 page Google Doc, multiple tests taken, questionnaires filled in, books read, videos watched. I know I’m autistic.
Why does it feel like a dagger to my heart if they don’t believe me?
And, no, I’m not sure who is included in that ‘they’.
Thank you so much for reading.
As always, if you enjoyed this letter or anything resonated, please let me know by replying to this email or, if you are on Substack, by giving it a like or leaving a comment. If you really enjoyed it, please share it or restack it so someone else might find it. Thank you. 🙏
Until next time, take care of yourself and have a lovely week.
Lots of love,
Becky
🖤✨🌈
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This is all the people who, when you search their name online, a picture comes up. I have not been printing off anyone Substack’s photos, even though I find many of you inspiring. I am a massive nerd but I am not a creepy nerd.
Thinking of you, Becky! Such a mix of emotions you're going through, and all so understandable. My partner is in a very parallel place with their assessment process, so I've shared this with them - I think they'll find it very affirming. Wishing you all the best when the time comes, and thank you for being so generous in how you're sharing your journey with it.
“A 10 page Google Doc, multiple tests taken, questionnaires filled in, books read, videos watched. I know I’m autistic.”
Exactly, Becky, although I totally get the fear that you won’t be believed. I hope it all goes well for you, sending positive thoughts your way