Hi, I’m Becky, an artist and writer based in Derbyshire. I write about my life in what I hope is an honest and open way. I write about mental health, autism, sobriety and simply trying to find my way in this world. Please subscribe to support my work and to read more of my posts.
Hi,
How are you?
Today’s letter is fuelled by gratitude and hope. That’s a good combo, right? So, let’s get into it.
A sprained tendon and a slow, sad summer
If you are new to Becky Writes, you will be unaware that in June, I sprained the tendon in left heel. If you are not new, you are probably sick of hearing about it but, I promise, there is a good reason for me talking about it now.
I sprained it less than a month after deciding to stop drinking alcohol. I had been on a roll, feeling inspired to be the healthiest version of myself possible. I had gotten back into yoga and a regular wake up time. This was the beginning of a stronger, healthier Becky.
And then, during the downward dog, my left heel felt weird. It wasn’t super painful, more like my skin couldn’t stretch enough. I put it down to a pair of shoes rubbing me and tried to carry on. But, as the weeks passed, it wasn’t getting any better. Every time I tried to flex my toes, it hurt.
A month passed and I rang the doctors, getting an appointment with a physio. I told him what I had been feeling and he checked my foot, before finally telling me I had sprained my tendon.
He gave me some instructions - only walk for 20 minutes, avoid hills, ice it - and gave me some physio exercises. Told me to come back in 6 weeks if it wasn’t better.
I was feeling frustrated but, surely, him not booking me in for another appointment was a good sign? It would be fixed in 6 weeks.
It was not.
I phoned the doctors again and quickly found out why he had not booked me into a second appointment - it was only meant to be first contact at the doctors. I, however, got a second appointment and saw another, very nice physio. She gave me some new exercises, upped my walk time to 30 minutes and told me to still avoid hills. She also asked if I’d be happy to refer myself for more “regular physio”. I was, indeed, very happy to do this. Whatever would help fix my heel.
With Winter crawling its way closer and closer, it was easier to not go on walks. And feeling some level of frustration and anger, I found myself staying inside. Why bother going on a walk when I was trapped within a time limit? I sat inside, waiting on my physio appointment.
November arrived and two of my friends were coming to town and arrangements were made to meet in a place which was less than 30 minutes away. I did, however, have to go down a hill because the town I live in is a valley and I live at the top of 3 hills which vary in length and steepness.
Walking down them meant I had to walk up them. And although my heel twinged, my hips screamed. There were points where I didn’t think I could carry on because my hips hurt so much.
Over the next few days, every single part of my legs hurt. My hips, my shins, my hamstrings. My heel was the least of my problems.
I felt a fool because, although I had religiously done my physio, I had stopped inside for months, playing at being angry and frustrated when really I was just sad. Walking is one of my favourite things to do and my home has beautiful walks on its doorstep.
I felt caged in. I felt trapped. I felt sad.
And instead of focussing on the positive, like the fact that I could walk for 30 minutes, I had felt sorry for myself and now my legs had forgotten they enjoyed walking.
I pledged to myself to start going on short walks and then an ear infection hit. Does someone have a little doll of me, filled with pins?, I found myself wondering.
Yule and Christmas would come and go and then here we were, in 2024. I had outright refused to get on the ‘New Year, New Me’ bandwagon but, with some new ideas already in play, I found myself getting The Magic1 by Rhonda Byrne down from my bookshelf.
Finding gratitude and finding hope
A book all about gratitude, I began working my way through the exercises, the small moments of gratitude seemingly working there magick from Day 1.
Then, I came to an exercise about having gratitude for our health, with Rhonda talking about how many of us don’t find gratitude for our health and bodies until something goes wrong.
And that rang very true for me. I had never really contemplated how important my feet were until I couldn’t use them how I wanted. I had gone on so many walks, including walking 1 million steps last Winter to raise money for charity, never taking a second to find any gratitude for my able body.
I was adamant this was going to change and I began writing most days how grateful I was for my body and health, with a particular focus on my feet.
I am so grateful for my feet because they are strong enough to hold me up.
I am so grateful for my feet because they allow me to walk places.
I am so grateful for my feet because they are strong and healthy.
And, I know this might be a bit woo-woo for some people, but my heel started to feel better.2 Not perfect but better. I began doing 10 minutes of beginners yoga every morning and going on little walks, when there weren’t storms blowing a gale.
After a couple of weeks, I finally got a message about my more “regular” physio and quickly booked in an appointment. By the time my appointment arrives, it will have been a four and a half month wait but it was here! Finally.
I found myself drawn to watching films about walking, first Happiness for Beginners and then, Wild, the film based on the book of the same name by
.I was not upset or frustrated by watching them, I was inspired. Here were two stories of two separate women going on epic walks in order to heal themselves.
And then I read The Salt Path3 by Raynor Winn and I could not stop the feelings of inspiration flowing.
Raynor and her husband Moth walked 630 miles, after losing their home and Moth receiving a terminal diagnosis. They walked because they was no better option and they found healing, hope and themselves. After not knowing where life would take them after so much hardship, Raynor wrote their story, The Salt Path. Coming out in 2018, it was Raynor’s first book, published when she was 56, four years after the epic walk and with Moth still alive and by her side. (And he still is, as I write this in January 2024.)
I was inspired by their story, I was inspired by their endurance, their hope, their love for each other but I was also inspired by Raynor writing it all and putting it out into the world in her fifties. Doing it all in her fifties. We are made to believe that we must have everything sorted and in place in our twenties. Life must be all tied up in a bow and, if it doesn’t happen, we feel like we have failed.
That is how I’d been feeling for years. Living with my Mum, in my thirties, felt like something I should be ashamed of. I was a useless grown up, so ready to believe that that was how everyone would see me.
What I should have been all this time is grateful.
Grateful for having a loving, supportive Mum. Grateful for the roof over my head. Grateful for the food in the cupboards. Grateful for the money I have coming in. Grateful for my job, where I work with lovely people and get to write. Grateful to my one paid subscriber. So easy to think of it as “only’ one but that is one person parting with their money to support me. That is magick.
Early on in The Salt Path, Raynor is talking with Moth about whether they have a plan and he says to her:
“We walk, until we stop walking, and maybe, on the way we find some kind of future.”
That is my plan. To keep going, to keep walking, even if just for 30 minutes, until I find the path to my future.
And I am grateful.
✨ Have you read any books or watched any films that you have found inspiring? Or have changed your perspective on something?
Friday 2nd February 2024
It’s been a couple of days since I wrote the main chunk of this letter and, on Friday 2nd February, I had the first of my regular physio appointments.
I did not get good news.
I still can’t walk far or for long and the issue might not be my tendon. It may be an issue called bursitis and, if it’s this, the physio exercises I have been doing will have just been aggravating it. I am pretty much back at the beginning of my physio journey, with a trial and error process beginning to see what will get my left heel back to being fully better.
I am very upset right now and I really considered scrapping this weeks letter. It is so full of hope and gratitude, I felt like a bloody idiot.
But, then I thought no, I won’t scrap it. Because it is filled with so much hope and gratitude! If I was there at the beginning of this week, I can get to this point again. I may be back at Day 1 but my next appointment is in 3 weeks so Day 2 isn’t far away.
I will get there.
I will sit on that rock, again, and look out over the beautiful place I call home.
I will find my path to the future.
And I will be grateful.
Thank you so much for reading. I am so grateful for you taking the time to read my words. It means so much.
As always, if you enjoy my letter, please give it a like or let me know in the comments or by replying to this email. And please share and restack. Thank you. 🙏
Until next time, take care of yourself.
Love,
Becky
🖤✨🌈
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This is not me saying that gratitude fixed my heel. Or that it can fix any physical or mental illness. I have been doing physio for 5 months and done everything my physio told me to do or not do. Gratitude simply got me out of feeling ‘woe is me’ which, in turn, made me feel better. If you feel ill or something is wrong, please go and see a doctor.
This is an affiliate link for Bookshop.org. If you buy via this link, I may earn a small commission from Bookshop.org, whose fees support independent bookshops.
I’m glad you didn’t scrap this letter. It felt authentic to the bumps we face in life. It reminded me to seek gratitude and hope even when it seems difficult. It might not fix things but it does help. I forget to be grateful for all my body can do. I felt your frustration with not being able to go on the walks you use to. I can no longer run or go on long walks with my health. I really miss it. But I’ve noticed that I appreciate the short walks, when I can get out, so much more now. I have more gratitude for them. I hope the physio goes well and you can start to walk for longer again. I do want to read The Salt Path. Thank you for the reminder. A book that I have found inspiring and has given me hope recently is the memoir The Cure for Sleep by Tanya Shadrick.
This is a beautiful post, Becky. I'm so sorry your most recent physio appointment didn't go the way you'd hoped, and that you've had such a frustrating painful time. I'm really glad you didn't scrap this letter - in fact, I almost like it more for the contrast and authenticity of its two parts (though that's of course not to minimise the totally valid shittiness of how you must have felt at the time!).
I really feel and admire the integrity and honesty of what you've shared here, both before and after, and can't wait to check out Happiness for Beginners and The Salt Path. I've seen the film of Wild but the book is absolutely brilliant, definitely recommend that if it's not on your radar already! Those sorts of 'big, hard adventures as a form of healing' stories really do something for me. There's something about the space of a big landscape that feels like it can hold and transmute big feelings so effectively.
Hoping your journey back to that rock is a gentle one, I know the trust and tenacity you show in this post will stand you in good stead on your way back there.