It's private!
Why I keep things to myself that seem small to others. And how I'm only starting to understand why. Spoiler alert: it's because I'm autistic.
Hi, I’m Becky, an artist and writer based in Derbyshire. I write about my life in what I hope is an honest and open way. I write about an array of topics, such as sobriety and autism, and about simply trying to find my way in this world. Please subscribe to support my work and to read more of my posts.
I started off my university experience at a prestigious art school down in London. It was 3 months of hell because a lot of the people were not nice and it was in London, the worst place on the face of the Earth.1
Oh, and I was autistic and I didn’t know it.
One of the ways that my autistic sensibility really stood out was when a guy on my course asked me to put music on and then quickly got exacerbated with me when I didn’t immediately choose something and instead nervously scrolled through the Spotify account.
He’d not been nice with me the entire time I’d been at uni with him. He had the confidence that comes with being a rich, cis-gender man. Oh and he was American, a group of people who seem to exude confidence in everything they do. When I was placed in a group with him, he took charge (because of course he did) and then went into a mild panic when we hadn’t really achieved the task set and proceeded to, loudly, blame all the “quiet people” for not telling him his idea was shit. (These were, of course, not his exact words. As if he ever had any shit ideas. /s)
I cried when I got back to where I was living and ordered “Quiet” by Susan Cain, adamant that I was going to make some art that proved that introverts were valid members of this world. And that this wanker could kiss my quiet arse.
I look at this ordeal quite differently now that I know I am autistic. I was in complete overwhelm, navigating a vast amount of newness, in a city I didn’t really know or like. And I was immediately forced to work with a large group of people whom I had never met. It was all too much.
And that moment at the laptop where I struggled to pick a song to put on was because I did not feel safe.
I had never really thought about it like this until I watched this video by ashralouisa2:
In it, she speaks about how being asked to put music on or asked about what you are reading can feel really jarring to autistic people because:
When we love something, we really love it so if we play a song/talk about a book/tv show/film and the other person hates it, it can feel very personal
Many of us have experienced large amounts of rejection in our lives so sharing something that is a personal part of us, particularly with people we don’t feel safe with, can feel like being asked to expose our soul.
We don’t always have the capacity to explain what a book/show/film is about.
When that man at my first uni asked me to put some music on, I was already overwhelmed and he was someone I didn’t feel safe with so I did not want to run the risk of putting on my favourite music, in a crowded room, because I was not in a place where I could deal with people not liking it.
I do think this makes a lot of sense but it does also happen with me with people I do feel safe with which is likely to me feeling a high level of attachment to things so I’m scared of their response and that I often need more time to process what they have asked me.
This doesn’t just happen with music/tv/films/books etc. It also happens when I get a parcel and people ask what’s in it. I don’t think this is about feeling safe because the people asking are people I do feel safe with. I think this is more to do with needing time to process what I have bought, if I like it, if it needs sending back etc.
So, anyway, if you know me IRL and I sometimes frustrate you by not wanting to talk about something I am watching/reading etc., I hope it makes more sense. If not, watch the video above.
✨Do you do this too? What do you think are your reasons for keeping things private?
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Until next time, take care of yourself.
Love,
Becky
🖤✨🌈
Mild exaggeration as I am sure there are worse places but I’ve never been to one so I’m going with it.
Link to Youtube channel - https://www.youtube.com/@ashralouisa
I understand your feeling, I've also hidden so much of my real self away during my lifetime. It's for the same reason as you - what if they say they don't like it or don't agree? That rejection seems elevated in me and so I try to avoid it because it hurts.
It has improved over time, most recently in fact since I've realised I'm (probably) autistic, along with my children. Together, we start to share with each other what we like and experience, and understand that, with the right people, it's fine. Finding those right people is hard, but when you do you feel safer and feel more like yourself. I'm still guarded in more general public of course, but I'm happier in my own little circle, which is good enough for me.
This is so relatable! I really struggle to talk about books I've read. And the music thing!