If you new here, please start here:
These are all paid posts now but, at £5 a month for a paid subscription, that works out at just 16p a day. Absolute bargain!
Friday December 1st, 8.44am marked me making it to 6 months in my sober life.
When I actually had my last alcoholic drink, I’m not sure. Most likely, the Saturday before June 1st, but June 1st 2023, 8.44am is when I began using my sober app.
Within my three month diary, I talked about frustration at not feeling as healthy as I should because I had hurt my left tendon and hadn’t been able to workout.
I still can’t work out. My tendon is still iffy and I’m waiting on another physio appointment but I have found acceptance for it. It is what it is. I wish my tendon wasn’t sprained, I wish it would heal fully quicker but I can’t help that I am hurt.
I also talked about my fear of change.
I think that is still there but I still had some wins in the last 3 months.
The good
Within the first five months of my sober life, I obviously wrote about it on my Substack but I didn’t do some big declaration to everyone I know.
I think I was too worried about push back.
November arrived and one of my friends was coming up to where I lived and asked if I wanted to meet up.
I was ravaged by worry. What ifs whirling around my brain. My brain playing a million scenarios, all bad where I would have to defend my choice.
When she asked what I was drinking and I said elderflower tonic, she had questions and I was honest but, ultimately, it was not a big deal.
Like many people she said she could probably do with stopping drinking, even if just for a little while.
I was not expecting this.
But people keep saying it to me, with tales of drunken mishaps leading to trips to A&E or vital organs not functioning as well as they should following. All told to me before they have an alcoholic drink.
The world is weird and some people’s lack of self preservation is terrifying. And I say this as someone who has been suicidal at times!
It is the funny part of me. I have been at my lowest ebbs possible but I have always known what a wonder it is to be alive.
I always think of this Agatha Christie quote:
I like living. I have sometimes been wildly, despairingly, acutely miserable, racked with sorrow, but through it all I still know quite certainly that just to be alive is a grand thing.
But I digress…
I told some people that I am not drinking alcohol anymore and the sky did not fall down.
I do keep telling myself it’s because they weren’t '“proper” nights out but, then I think - do I actually want to go on a “proper” night out?
A “proper” night out meaning being out until 2am, doing all the things that I know should be fun but are not remotely for me.
No, I really don’t. I didn’t want to go on them when I drank alcohol. I just didn’t know how to say this isn’t enjoyable for me. I was alway a guest, feeling like I had to go along, only really feeling okay when I was on my way home, where I could take off the mask and be my actual self.
I suppose my worry now is that people will think I don’t want to go on them now because I’ve stopped drinking. I’m not fun anymore because I’ve stopped drinking but it is such as small version of fun.
A very extroverted, loud, neurotypical version of fun.
I like the quiet and reading book and early bed times, in order to read more books. I get excited about Bake Off coming back and Friday nights in watching Taskmaster, Drag Race and Googlebox. I get excited about Saturday nights watching Dragula.
I like reading and tv with my latest obsession being BBC2’s Between the Covers. It’s a tv show about books. It’s a win all round.
I need to actually believe that it is okay to be me all the time.
The bad
The bad isn’t really all that bad.
It is just that I still don’t feel like I think I should.
I am not feeling this euphoric sense of accomplishment. I don’t feel super healthy. I am not breezing through the colder seasons with ease.
I am still on my own personal struggle bus as I attempted to continue to exist in a half decent way whilst it is dark, dreary and fucking freezing1 outside.
I know that not feeling your best this time of year is normal. It’s one of the only ways I can actually say I am normal!
It is normal to feel a little off because due to there being less sunlight in Autumn and Winter2, our brain produces more of the ‘sleep hormone’ melatonin. This leads to our brains go into semi-hibernation mode because our brains are governed by light-sensitive circadian rhythms.
Before electric lights and central heating, people would naturally do less during the winter. After the Autumn equinox, people would harvest their crops and prepare for the cold season, which involved plenty of early nights.
Now we live and work in a 9-5 world with electric lighting and central heating and we can’t slow down but our bodies still want to.
Unfortunately, unless you work for yourself and can set your hours accordingly, it is highly unlikely that the world is ever going to change to allow us to live to our natural rhythms. It would be wonderful! But, unlikely.
So, I am constantly torn between listening to my body and going by the advice on how to help SAD - get up at a regular time, get outside, stay active etc.
So yes, I am not really feeling like the tip-top version of me that I thought I would six months into my sober journey.
But, I keep going, with the knowledge that alcohol would make me feel worse.
I keep going.
That’s all I can do.
Thank you so much for reading the latest instalment of my sober diary.
As always, if you enjoy it or anything resonates, please let me know by replying to this email, leaving a comment and/or giving it a restack.
I hope you have a lovely week.
Take care of yourself.
Love,
Becky
🖤✨🌈
I can’t help but think of this video every time I think, say or write “fucking freezing” 😂 There is something about little kids swearing in such a nonchalant way that I really enjoy.
Information from this article by Holland & Barrett - https://www.hollandandbarrett.com/the-health-hub/conditions/sleep/fatigue/feeling-cold-and-tired/
Congratulations on your six months, Becky. It's such a milestone! I hope you're proud of yourself. And I feel you on being fucking freezing, getting outside when it's so cold and dark so much of the time is for sure a struggle. Thanks for sharing your journey and wishing you a smooth recovery for your injured tendon!
Huge recognition on your six months, Becky. Through the ebbs and flows and all of it, hearts to you!