This Is 37

Embracing my age and working on letting go of shame

This Is 37

Hi, I’m Becky, an artist and writer based in Derbyshire. I write about my life in what I hope is an honest and open way. I write about an array of topics and about simply trying to find my way in this world. Please subscribe to support my work and to read more of my posts.

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I used to never tell people my age.

When I went to college and university, the majority of people were a lot younger than me and I was a mixture of worried about not fitting in if people knew my age and embarrassed that I was only just getting my act together and going to university.

But, I know, without a shadow of a doubt, I would not have completed university if I had gone at 18.

You know those stories people have of the weird person who lives in their halls who never talks to anyone or comes out of their room? If I’d have gone to uni at 18, that would have been me. And I would have disappeared at some point, never to return.

University worked for me in my late twenties/early thirties because I was able to live in a flat with my partner. I had the knowledge of how hard (and awful) the working world could be so the little gripes a lot of the younger people had just did not bother me.

College and university was a revelation for me and it is why I have embraced my creativity and really why this letter exists. I know my creativity has merit and I am able to share it.

But, still, only one uni friend ever knew how old I was and she only found out because I turned 30 on a uni trip to New York. She was not remotely phased by my age but I still felt this weird sense of shame and embarrassment.

Someone at thirty shouldn't be at uni! They should have their life together - uni degree, a “good” job, a house, a bustling social life.

I know I am not alone in this thinking. People laughed in my face when I younger and I told them I had a job instead of being at university. People who were at uni looked down on me.

Only recently, a friend was talking about a relative who was going to university at 28 (the same age I was when I went) and someone balked: “Why is he going to uni so late?!”

There is a very definite path that you are supposed to take and, even though everyone on this planet is a completely different person, it seems, in the Western world anyhow, we are all supposed to be following the same path.

The Shame Spiral And Neurodivergence

I watched this video by the amazing Rox and Rich Pink from ADHD Love and I really related to everything Rox was saying.

I try so hard and I still fail.

I knew university wasn’t right for me at 18 so I got a job. I am a failure because I am not at university at the “right” time.

I go to university at 28. I am failure because I have gone later than everyone else so I should hide my age.

I did really well at university, winning an award for my films and getting a first class degree. I am a failure because I couldn’t handle the full time job I got afterwards.

I now work two days a week and I look for jobs with more hours and all I see is “This is a fast paced environment. You need to be ready to move from one task to another, quickly.” And I think, “I would last a few months, at best. And for all those months I would be an anxious, masking mess.” It’s either this or I don’t feel remotely qualified for the job or the job description appears to make out the job is a matter of life or death. And no, I am not applying for any roles that are actually dealing with life or death in anyway.

I feel like a failure all the time.

And even though Rox is talking from an ADHDer perspective, which I don’t think I am, I relate a lot which I think comes from being neurodivergent people who were born and raised as women in this world.

Rox talks about how she used to feel shame everyday and, no matter how hard she tried, she would feel like a failure.

She talks about the bad ways she deals with this shame, such as avoidance and over apologising, and I can relate to it all.

I avoid messages if I think someone wants something from me because I am too much of a people-pleaser to just answer it and say no. I avoided getting too close to anyone at university because I was ashamed that I was older.

I apologise for everything, even things that are not my fault. My partner, like Rox’s husband, Rich, is constantly saying “You don’t need to say sorry.” But, just like Rox, I am trying to be liked, to be seen as nice and not annoying and to not be rejected. (Reader, it has not worked)

“I feel so dislikable at my core, I feel like I have to be nice” - Rox Pink

I have had people be really horrible to me. I have had people do awful things to me. I have had people leave me out of things and forgotten things that are important to me.

I don’t say anything because I don’t want to make them feel bad. Because I want to be liked. Because I don’t want to be rejected.

And it’s exhausting. This constant shame and feeling like you are in the wrong, all the fucking time, no matter the scenario or situation is exhausting.

Rich talks about how he never feels shame and that utterly baffles me. That is like the people who say they don’t have a constant inner monologue. Like your brain isn’t constantly noisy? The amount of energy he must have because it isn’t wasted on feeling shame all the time!

They offer some really good advice on how to begin to lessen the shame, rewriting the narrative i.e. You aren’t lazy/useless, you just struggle with certain things/situations.

And understanding you aren’t broken, particularly in the context of societal expectations i.e. I am not broken or a failure because I went to uni later in life.

“You can’t hate yourself into being neurotypical”
- Rox Pink

I am not a failure because I wasn’t ready for university at 18.

I am not a failure because Mon-Fri, 9-5 is a struggle, particularly in jobs that seem to take pride in announcing, in fancy job description lingo, that you will be massively overworked.

I am not a failure for not being neurotypical.

I am 37 and I am not where I envisioned being when I was 18.

I am somewhere better.

I am loved by a wonderful man. I have a caring, loving Mum. I have a first class university degree. I have a job which works for me in many ways, that I am good at and I work with nice people. I share my writing and art with the world. I have sold some of my art. I have found people who I can relate to and who relate to me.

I am alive.

I am accepted.

Now, I just need to work on accepting myself.

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As always, if you enjoyed this letter or anything resonated, please let me know by replying to this email or, if you are on Substack, by giving it a like or leaving a comment. If you really enjoyed it, please share it or restack it so someone else might find it. Thank you. 🖤

Until next time, take care of yourself and have a lovely week.

Lots of love,
Becky
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