What If?
Let me take you through a journey in my Midnight Library.
Hi, I’m Becky, an artist and writer based in Derbyshire. I write about my life in what I hope is an honest and open way. I write about an array of topics, such as sobriety and autism, and about simply trying to find my way in this world. Please subscribe to support my work and to read more of my posts.
“What if?” is something that we often ask ourselves. We wonder about what would have been if we’d taken that job or gone on that date or done better at school.
“What if?” is also a question that comes up a lot with late-diagnosed autistic people.
What if I’d been diagnosed when I was younger? What if teachers had known? What if I’d have known?
So, I’m heading into my own Midnight Library and working my way through some of my “What if?” scenarios.
Before we start, I am writing this under the (possibly very wrong) assumption that everyone has read The Midnight Library by Matt Haig.** (If you haven’t you should!)
But just in case some of you haven’t, the plot of The Midnight Library is that main character, Nora Seed, is not in a good place. She is depressed and filled with regret about the decisions she has made in her life and so she tries to take her own life. After taking an overdose, she ends up at The Midnight Library where she can try out all the lives she might have had, if she had made different choices.
It sounds bleaker than it actually is from my description. It is an excellent book that is really uplifting.
Anyway, back to our scheduled program, let’s go to my Midnight Library. (If you ever stumble across this Matt, please don’t sue me!)
Different Life #1: I am diagnosed at 13
This might seem like a weird place to start but Australian and autistic actor and author, Chloe Hayden, who is seen as a fairly big deal in the autism community, was diagnosed at 13 so it’s often the “What if?” age many people choose.
Okay, so I am diagnosed at 13, instead of 37.
What is different?
I am not entirely sure, to be honest.
Because Chloe Hayden being diagnosed at 13 led to her being home schooled and her parents moved to a house with land so she could have horses close by. What I am saying is she grew up, I would guess as I do not know the financial climate of Australia, upper-middle class.
I grew up working class with a hardworking single mother, who had no help after both my Grandparents died by the time I was 11.
If I am getting homeschooled, it’s under the bridge me and my Mum now live under because she couldn’t afford to pay rent because she gave up her job to home school me.
So, diagnosed at 13 or not, I am staying in school.
I am sure my teachers would have been informed but it’s 2001 so I am not certain of the vast amount of knowledge or accommodations available.
Also, by 13, I’ve already been bullied, to some degree, for several years. I am not filled to the brim with self confidence so I imagine I would be desperately ashamed of my diagnosis.
I would be terrified of anyone finding out because, if they did, I imagine ‘autistic’ would be added to the insults I already receive, some of which are actually insults - ugly, freak - and some that are not - goth, lesbian - but when they are said with venom by a 13 year old, they feel like a knife to the gut.
I think I would live my life feeling a vast amount of shame about being autistic. I may have even become one of the autistic people spouting hate on Reddit about all the self diagnosed people and all the ‘fakers’.
I might be in immense amounts of pain, taking it out on all the wrong people, until I found the kind of communities I have found now as a late-diagnosed autistic person.
Okay, I am going to say ‘No, thank you’ for Different Life #1 and head back to my Midnight Library.
Different Life #2: I am diagnosed before school
Okay, so this one could actually spark some changes because I would be going into school with all my teachers knowing, from the start, that this kid is autistic.
I would likely get a lot less “Becky needs to engage more in class and with their peers” in my school reports.
But, it’s the 90s and early noughties - what is teachers knowledge of autism, at this time, in the UK? What accommodations are people getting? (If you were diagnosed at this point in time, please let me know.)
Seeing as experts still had a limited view on autism, I can’t imagine school was great for autistic children in the 90s.
Okay, maybe we could do a little better so let’s say ‘No thank you!’ to this one too.
Different Life #3: I attend Limpsfield Grange School
For those who don’t know, Limpsfield Grange School1 is a school for autistic girls, aged 11 to 16.
It began admitting autistic girls in the 90s so I would be the right age, at the right time.
It is in Surrey so I would have to board.
No, thank you!
Different Life #4: Me and my Mum live in Surrey so I can attend Limpsfield Grange without having to board
We are getting specific!
Okay, so on paper, this all seems good.
Except in the Midnight Library, I remember my old life as I try out this new one.
And, if I live in Surrey, chances of me being in the Sheffield nightclub in 2012 where I meet my partner are slim to none.
So, no, this one does not work either.
No, thank you!
Different Life #5: There is a Limpsfield Grange style school in Derbyshire
Okay, so I don’t have to board? Check!
I am close enough to Sheffield that I could still be there on that fateful night? Check!
I am attending a secondary school in which I am accepted and I thrive.
Okay, okay, okay, this is all looking good.
Except, wait…
I am not me.
The me who loves their favourite teddy bears with all of their might.
The me who would rather watch a wrestling Pay-Per-View than go out for the night.
The me who loves fictional characters to the point of making it my mission to find the t-shirt Abby from NCIS wore in one, single episode. (I found it and you can see it in the photo above.)
The me who's had blue hair, green hair, red hair, pink hair, purple hair, no hair.
The me who has tattoos.
The me who writes this Substack.
The me who went to uni at 28 and aced it.
The me who is close with their Mum.
The me who loves a Yorkshireman with all my little, black heart.
The me who love Tim Burton. And Temperance Brennan. And Stitch.
The me who used to go on walks and pretend I was Legolas in Lord of the Rings. (And still does sometimes.)
The me who is proudly working class.
The me who is goofy.
The me who is kind.
The me who listened as people told me “You’d be hot if you were more normal” and stayed weird.
The me who had someone shout that I was an “Ugly, tattooed freak!” across a crowded pub but who can now see that showed everyone who he was and not who I was.
The me who is, well, me.
No, thank you.
I know things could have been better in one of these others lives. I may not have had the bad things that have happened in my past. I may never have got to a point of being suicidal. I may not have as many scars, both figurative and very, very real.
But, you change one thing, you change it all.
And I don’t want to change it all.
I don’t want to change me.
So, I was diagnosed as autistic at 37.
That is my story.
My life.
And it may not be perfect but, it’s mine.
✨ Do you have any ‘What if?’ scenarios that play in your head?
✨ If you could go to your own Midnight Library, do you think you would stay in a different life?
Thank you so much for reading.
If you enjoyed this letter or anything resonated, please let me know by replying to this email or, if you are on Substack, by giving it a like or leaving a comment. If you really enjoyed it, please share it or restack it so someone else might find it. Thank you. 🙏
Until next time, take care of yourself and have a lovely week.
Lots of love,
Becky
🖤✨🌈
✨If you like my writing and would like to support me but can’t afford a paid subscription, you could buy me a brew instead. 🙂 Thank you so much! ✨
Link: https://limpsfieldgrange.co.uk
** This is an affiliate link. If you buy this book, via this link, I will get a small fee at no extra cost to you.