All Or Nothing

Why my brain sometimes infuriates me. And how I'm trying to work with it, not against it.

Hi, I’m Becky, an artist and writer based in Derbyshire. I write about my life in what I hope is an honest and open way. I write about an array of topics, such as sobriety and neurodivergence, and about simply trying to find my way in this world. Please subscribe to support my work and to read more of my posts.

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I have an all of nothing type of brain.

If I can’t do something and give it my all, I might as well do nothing.

A good example of this is how I come at exercising.

Firstly, I have this feeling of “If I can’t do an hour, I might as well not do any!” which is just ludicrous. Doing ten minutes is better than doing nothing.

I am always 4000 steps ahead, envisioning myself having a completely different life as an Excellent Sport Person, because I have this need to great at things. The best at things. This is going to be the thing that I am great at, that changes my life. This is it. Stuff like that.

Along with this, I am not great at transitions. I struggle to go from being in bed to working out with any amount of speed. But, because of my all or nothing brain, I think “If I’ve not started working out by X time, I might as well not bother.”

It’s infuriating and made all the more infuriating because I have managed to workout consistently before.

When I was at university, I started going to roller derby training and I became obsessed. Like I’ve mentioned above, I was filled with this desire to be great at it, the best newbie recruit they have ever seen. Except, being built like Slender Man in a contact sport is never going to result in immediate greatness.

I began doing HIIT workouts and using the little gym in the basement of my flat. I was the strongest and the healthiest I have ever been.

And it was only when I was thinking about this recently, as I infuriated myself by not working out again, that I realised I managed to do it back then because I was being motivated by something different.

Now, I am exercising because it makes me feel good.

Back then, I was exercising because I didn’t feel like I was good enough.

It is a sorry state of affairs when you are more motivated by a feeling of not being good enough, of being lacking, than you are by simply feeling good.

And, sadly, I imagine I’m not alone in this.

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2025 is the year where I am trying to unmask and accept all the eccentricities that make me me, including the infuriating ones.

This has come into play in the way I have come at exercising in the last few weeks but I think it might help me in other areas too. Life is funny like that.

Talking To Someone About It

I have lived with a high level of shame my entire life. This, along with not being great at expressing myself verbally, often leads to me driving myself to frustration about something when talking about it might just help.

This happened with my whole exercising debacle. I expressed to my partner, via WhatsApp, that I was feeling frustrated at not working out, even though it would make me feel better. I found myself saying to him:

“I keep finding 10 minute workouts on Youtube but then I think 10 minutes isn’t long enough! But 10 mins is better than nothing!”

I remember screenshotting this Tumblr post when I first saw it. It made me feel a little less like a screw up.

This is when he informed me that you can actually get a good workout in ten minutes so it was both better than nothing and, likely, a good workout.

Talking about it helped me to go easier on myself and to actually begin doing some 10 minutes workouts that I have not only successfully done but also enjoyed.

Which bring me nicely to my next point:

Finding Something That Works For Me

My main aim from working out is to feel good and to be stronger. So, I often become obsessed with lifting weights, doing 3 sets of this, 3 sets of that.

But, I get so BORED.

I become distracted by the music I’m listening to, often skipping through song after song to find the “perfect” song for this moment, right now. Even when I was doing roller derby and became pretty good at being consistent, my workout - from warm-up to showering - took 2 hours. And, my darling, I was not working out for 2 hours.

I have found over these last few weeks, that I work much better when being visually guided via a follow-along video. Yes, the music is often terrible but I can’t do anything to change it so I just crack on with the workout.

I might not see quick changes from doing it like this but I am more likely to stay consistent and to not make a 20 minutes workout last 14 hours.

Allowing Myself Better Food

I have always had a weird thing with food. I really don’t like cooking and I have always gone for the cheapest thing rather than the most delicious/most satisfying/ most good for me.

A good example of this is again linked to working out. I wanted something to have before a workout. I found these breakfast bar type things. They were 99p for 5. And they were like trying to bite down on concrete. I persevered with them for much longer than I should because they were cheap.

Now, I get some vanilla flavoured greek yoghurts. One is nearly as much as the 5 bars but they are actually nice so I am allowing myself to call it a win.

I don’t have a hugely varied diet because too much choice often leads me down a path of choosing nothing but, I do make sure to eat things I like, that are good for me and help me feel better.

(I think this probably has a big link to self worth issues and feeling like I should just make do with the cheapest stuff but that’s probably a whole other letter!)

I will also say that my version of eating better food does not mean I am denying myself any types of food. I will eat pizza on a Friday, have a packet of crisp or a biscuit with a cup of tea, if I want one. Before now, my all or nothing brain has come in to play and I’ve thought “I'‘m working out so I’ve got to be super healthy!” This lead me to eating Ryvitas and drinking green tea, both of which I find disgusting.

But, I also don’t think it’s a healthy mindset to have around food. I don’t think any food should be as “bad” or as a “guilty treat”. I think that can be the start of a descent down a very slippery slope which I have been down before and I don’t want to go there again. With food and exercise, it should be something that you can do in a long-term manner, not some silly diet or food trend that you can only do for a month and then blame yourself for failing when actually the whole things wasn’t ever sustainable.

Finding The Right People To Guide Me

I have spoken about this before, but when I got back into working out last year, I got quite obsessed with a 21 year old on Youtube who was absolutely kicking arse at the gym, completely ignoring that I was 15 years older than her, neurodivergent and had zero access to a gym, due to money and them generally being a HELL, NO! kind of place for me.

(Apart from the tiny gym at my flat, when I as uni. That was great. Mainly because it was usually completely empty bar me.)

Also, her goals were very different to mine. She was much more about the aesthetic, which there is nothing wrong with, but I wanted to be stronger for practical reasons.

And by practical reasons, I mean this strong desire to be able to do at least one pull up just incase I am ever trapped anywhere and me saving myself is dependent on that one pull up. ¹

See, practical!

I found another woman on Youtube called MonikaFit and I have no idea how old she is or her neurotype but, she understands what a beginner workout is and, if you’ve not seen the workouts of many fitness influencers, this is a bloody miracle. Her workout videos are quick, fun and they don’t make you feel like shit because you can’t power through 30 minutes of side dip planks.

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It still early days and I might still get bored. Or my periods will come and they will throw me off for a week or so. The lesson now is to not beat myself up when either of these two things happen. Or something else entirely.

Because I am a human. I have periods. I have bad days. I have bad nights sleep. I get bored.

But, I persist.

Because I need to be able to do that one pull up that, one day, might save my life.

And, one day, I will do it.

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Thank you so much for reading.

As always, if you enjoyed this letter or anything resonated, please let me know by replying to this email or, if you are on Substack, by giving it a like or leaving a comment. If you really enjoyed it, please share it or restack it so someone else might find it. Thank you. 🖤

Until next time, take care of yourself and have a lovely week.

Lots of love,
Becky
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1. No, I don’t know where this has come from.